Homesick: adj. longing for home and family while absent from them (Webster's Dictionary)
I have avoided this word like the plague since I've arrived in China. I don't know why, but I feel as though associating myself with this feeling will make me somewhat of a weaker person or will make others question whether I should be here. In reality, is it's not weakness or doubt, it's just human. If we have meaningful relationships, we will long for those relationships when we are absent from them.
I have felt like an emotional mess this week, mostly on the inside. Little things that would normally not bother me or upset me have. Last night as I scrolled through numerous updates on Facebook I read update after update about cooler weather, carving pumpkins, apple cider, and I almost lost it. The first word that came to mind was nostalgic. When I looked this word up to be sure I was using it correctly, here's what I found:
1. the state of being homesick
2. a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition
So, there it is. I guess homesick it is. Of course I miss people; but I also miss autumn, and pumpkins, and changing leaves. I love this time of year in Alabama. I love the "freshness" it seems to bring, the beauty of the season, the "crispness" of the time that right now I am nostalgic for. As I looked out of my window this morning, it was just gray. Gray sky, gray buildings, and gray smoke coming from somewhere. There are some green trees outide my window and dispersed throughout the gray, but how I would love to see the reds, and purples, and oranges, and yellows of the season right now.
As I mentioned before, I have tried to avoid this word because I feel as though it implies that I want to go home, but I don't. I know I am where I need to be, where I am supposed to be, and most importantly where I want to be. But in that, I know I also need to give myself some space to grieve the things I miss, the things that mean something to me, to realize it's okay to be sad over missing people, places, and things without the assumption that I don't want to be here.