These faces are worth the miles

I feel as though I have been on an emotional roller-coaster the past few weeks. One day I am great, the next the slightest thing brings tears to my eyes and heavies my heart. Today was one of those heavy heart days. I can't quite put my finger on it.

I think some days I just forget. I forget why I am here. I question the motives of my heart and my actions and am reminded of how selfish I can be. I forget about the faces I am here to love and cherish. Tonight I just needed a reminder, so I scrolled through an album of just that, precious faces.

When I forget, these faces remind me why I am so far from "home." These faces remind me why I am so far from those I love. These faces remind me of what love looks like.

These faces are worth the miles....

Invade

Tonight as I catch up on emails, I have my I-tunes set on shuffle. I love shuffle because every now and then a song will play that maybe I've forgotten about and it just seems to "hit the spot" as songs can so often do.

Tonight it was a song by one of my all-time favorite groups, Watermark. The song is called "Invade"; it's a song that I have come to love in longing for a day when hopefully I could pray the words of this song over my own home, over my own family, over my own children. That day has not yet come, but it was as if God allowed me to hear the song in a different light tonight and deeply desire this over my present home.

Come, come in
Invade all You see of us
Any man, who'd walk Your road is welcomed here
And You're the only One

Chorus:
Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out
With Your mercy...
Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
Until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
And let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade...

Reach, reach in
With the hand that heals all our suffering
Conquer all that is not of You
Bring Your spirit throught
As we fill these walls with Your praise

Bridge:
I call for angels
I call for mercy
I call for freedom
In the name of Jesus

That is my prayer over this house. This is not just a building for orphaned children, it is home to some of the world's most precious treasures, and it is my home. I pray that He would open doors to be able to share the Hope that is in those of us who know Him. I pray that in these rooms, where these babies eat, sleep, play, and grow, that He would invade. I pray that His hand would heal all of the physical and emotional suffering here and that we would fill these walls with His praise.

So tonight I do pray the words of this song over my home, over my family, over our children.

Maria's at night

It's Friday night. For those of you who have been keeping up with this blog, you know what that means...LAUNDRY! Yeah! There's something else I love about Friday nights (any night really, but Friday nights in particular). As I walk from the laundry room to the stairwell to make my trek to the 6th floor, I pass the Tinkerbell room. Four of my sweet preschool babies live in the Tinkerbell room, so I love peeking in and seeing what they are up to from time to time. Tonight I peeked in and saw two of them by the door reading so I popped in. Immediately I was greeted with their excitement as they called out "Becca!" followed by "circle...triangle...square!" We have been learning shapes the past few weeks and they love to sing the songs that go with each shape. I sat with my four babies, one snuggled in my lap, and we sang a few songs together. What better way to spend a Friday evening?

There's something else I love about Maria's at night...

The picture isnt exceptionally clear, but I think it's good enough to convey the image I want to "paint" for you. Maria's is located several miles outside the city, so the further you get out of the city, the darker it becomes as there are fewer street lights and buildings. I have found this to be very true when I am taking a taxi home in the evenings and you almost have to be up on the drive before you can see enough to tell the driver where to turn. Despite the surrounding darkness, as soon as the gate opens, this is what we see. And it's like this no matter what time of night you drive up. Amidst the surrounding darkness, there is light. Bright light.

I am sure at this point you probably see where I am going with this. Yes, it is a literal light; a literal brightness amidst a real darkness. But it's so much more. His light shines in this place. In the midst of surrounding spiritual darkness, His light is so evident here. There is life here. There is love here. There is healing here. He is here. And I am reminded of that every time I drive up to Maria's at night.



Questions

Earlier this week I was having a conversation with a friend here and we were discussing some fairly deep theological questions; those things that you wonder but know that although you might scratch the surface, the answers will most likely not be found until we are face to face with the only One who can answer those questions.

A few days later one of my students asked a question that I also had no answer for. This wasnt a deep theological question, but an honest question coming from child's heart. During class one day this week I had the opportunity to give one of our kids some pictures of his family. This sweet boy has been matched with an amazing family and they are waiting on pins and needles for the day when they get to meet him and bring him home. His immediate response when he saw the pictures was "Mama! Baba!" He knew exactly who they were. Shortly after, John, who is one of our doctor's kids and in this same class asked "doesn't he miss his mommy?" I explained that he had not yet met his mommy but that she would be here soon to take him home. He asked again "but doesn't he miss his mommy?" so again, I tried to explain that he didn't know her yet but would meet her soon. Then he said "no, his real mommy...doesn't he miss his real mommy?" My heart ached at his question. How do you explain to a 5 year old why orphanages exist in the first place? How do you explain that his sweet little friend probably has no recollection of his mom? I really had no answer, because to be honest, I don't know.

As my time here grows, this has been a question that I have wondered myself so many times. Do these sweet babies miss their mommies? Do they even remember? As I get to know individual children, their personalities, their names, their giggles, their likes and dislikes; as I grow more and more in love with them I can't help but wonder, how could someone not want this child? I know that there are often circumstances that are beyond control and in reality, many of these children are getting the medical, physical, and emotional care that they may not otherwise have had the chance to get. But I just can't help but wonder. I know it is a question that will continue to go unanswered. And I am not just referring to it here, it is world-wide. 140+ million world-wide.

But the answer I can give John (and more often myself) is that these children are dearly loved. They are cared for and they are spoken for. They have a name, they have a story, and we have the opportunity to tell those stories on their behalf. I also know that although they may not have an earthly father, they have a heavenly Father who cares deeply for them and who knows the answers to all of those questions that keep us wondering.

Homesick?

Homesick: adj. longing for home and family while absent from them (Webster's Dictionary)

I have avoided this word like the plague since I've arrived in China. I don't know why, but I feel as though associating myself with this feeling will make me somewhat of a weaker person or will make others question whether I should be here. In reality, is it's not weakness or doubt, it's just human. If we have meaningful relationships, we will long for those relationships when we are absent from them.

I have felt like an emotional mess this week, mostly on the inside. Little things that would normally not bother me or upset me have. Last night as I scrolled through numerous updates on Facebook I read update after update about cooler weather, carving pumpkins, apple cider, and I almost lost it. The first word that came to mind was nostalgic. When I looked this word up to be sure I was using it correctly, here's what I found:

1. the state of being homesick
2. a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition

So, there it is. I guess homesick it is. Of course I miss people; but I also miss autumn, and pumpkins, and changing leaves. I love this time of year in Alabama. I love the "freshness" it seems to bring, the beauty of the season, the "crispness" of the time that right now I am nostalgic for.  As I looked out of my window this morning, it was just gray. Gray sky, gray buildings, and gray smoke coming from somewhere. There are some green trees outide my window and dispersed throughout the gray, but how I would love to see the reds, and purples, and oranges, and yellows of the season right now.

As I mentioned before, I have tried to avoid this word because I feel as though it implies that I want to go home, but I don't. I know I am where I need to be, where I am supposed to be, and most importantly where I want to be. But in that, I know I also need to give myself some space to grieve the things I miss, the things that mean something to me, to realize it's okay to be sad over missing people, places, and things without the assumption that I don't want to be here.

My Christmas gift

Last week I received this gift through an email, a little "sneak peak" into my upcoming Christmas "gifts". Pat, our communications manager at hfc put this video together as an update for our church. As I watched it (more than once, of course) I was so overwhelmed by the love of my sweet friends to give up holiday time with their families to spend time with me and our children here at Maria's. As I watched the video and saw the sweet faces of our children here, I was taken back a few months to when I watched similar videos, but with a deep longing to be with them. This time I was able to see their faces with a totally different perspective. As I saw each face, I was filled with joy knowing that all I had to do was walk down a few floors to see those faces in person. I was also filled with peace knowing that it will be that way tomorrow, and the day after, and so on....

Hope you enjoy...great job Pat!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPhZ3upbKf8

Lessons in Chinese

Learning Chinese makes me feel like I am in college all over again (actually on some occasions I have felt like I was in kindergarten again). In my usual college way, I should be studying right now, but instead I am blogging (in college it wasn't blogging, but there were all sorts of other things that easily distracted me from studying). But I figured maybe if I blog about Chinese, then it's kind of like studying...kind of...

Many of you have asked me how Chinese (hanyu) is going. My usual answer is "it's going." And it is. Somedays I feel great hope of learning this very difficult language. Other days I feel as though I could just be content talking to 2, 3, and 4 years olds because they don't care what language I speak and hugs and kisses are universal. I think I put really high expectations on myself and get really discouraged when I don't understand something. I guess I thought I would get here and start picking up on things overnight.

I have been told by several people who have learned to speak Chinese that it takes at least 6 months (yue) before you are really able to converse. I get little glimpses of hope here and there as I am able to pick up on words every now and then; but over all, I am very limited in my ability to communicate. The sweet ayis here really try and I can tell they want to talk with me and ask questions. I am sure they must get quite a kick at my completely blank stares. Then I hear them tell each other "ting bu dong" which means "she doesn't understand..." and then they chuckle.

 I have however learned to answer four important phrases over the past two months:

Q: Ni jiao shen me ming zi? (What is your name?)
A: Jiao Rebecca (I am called Rebecca)

Q: Ni duo da le? (How old are you?)
A: Wo er shi jiu sui (essentially translated: I 29 age)

Q: Ni nan pengyou ma? (Do you have a boyfriend?)
A: Bu (which means no, but today I figured out I should be saying meio, which also means no...)

Q: Ni chi fan le ma? (Have you eaten?)
A: My answer has been bu (no) or dui (yes), but I was corrected by my Chinese teacher in that you don't use bu/dui when answering this question, but instead there is a phrase you use if you have eaten and another if you haven't. I have not mastered those yet, so I just nod my head yes or no hoping it's universal.

Today I laughed as some of the ayis were asking me if I had a boyfriend (which apparently seems to be of universal concern). When I told them I did not, they asked how old I was. When I answered their question, their response essentially was "you're 29 and you don't have a boyfriend?" Thankfully here I can still plead ignorance and go back to playing with the kids (hai zi).

The other day (tian) an ayi was asking me a question and while I thought I was telling her "I don't know (the answer to your question)" (wo bu zhi dao) I figured out a few minutes (fen) later that I was actually saying "I can't" (wo bu keyi). She looked at me funny and then went back to what she was doing. Once I figured out what I had said, I wanted to explain my mistake, but couldn't. I felt slightly moronic, but it is what it is. I have figured out that for the next few months (yue), I just need to resign myself to the fact that there are going to be many, many, many times when I am just going to feel like a moron, and need to just be okay with it. Maybe it's a much needed lesson in humilty.

But on a really positive note, I was really encouraged by this comment the other day. I was telling our Chinese teacher that I would like to be able to converse (liao tianr) with the ayis, but just can't yet and when I try to explain that I don't understand (wo ting bu dong), they ask another question, followed by another, until they realize that I really don't understand. Her response was that the ayis really like to talk to Americans (mei guo ren) because Americans are always happy (gaoxing). My initial thought was "no they really all aren't" but then it hit me that for the most part their interaction with Americans has been here at Maria's, and most of those people have been believers. Not to say that non-believers are not happy, or that all believers are, but I think that comment spoke a lot about His people being salt and light among those who may have never heard of the Hope that lives in us who believe.

So, there it is...that's how Chinese is going :) Incase you are wondering what the words in parenthesis are for, those are the words I am familiar with and thought that in attempts to justify blogging instead of studying, that I would at least plug in Chinese words here and there to help me learn/review them.

By the way, we are just learning pinyin right now. We have not even scratched the surface with Chinese characters yet. I am sure that will be for another blog. A long time from now.

P.S. You all will not be shocked to know that coffee was one of the first Chinese words I learned. Thankfully it's just "kafei"...easy enough :)

Gifts

Those of you that know me well know that I love gifts. It's one of the main ways that I show love to others; as Gary Chapman would say, it's my "love language."

I love giving gifts, and I like receiving gifts. Nothing extravagant, but as one of my best friends recently put it, just little things that show thoughtfulness. I am sure we can all agree that it's nice to be thought of.

This week for me was full of gifts, but not the kind of gifts you normally think of, as they did not come in material form. These gifts came in the form of people and events, but they are truly gifts nonetheless. I'd like to share a few with you...

My week began with a train ride back to Luoyang. When I arrived back at Maria's, as I walked down to the 4th floor kitchen, the first faces I saw were those of Caroline and Lulu. This was a needed gift.

I had the chance to talk with several friends from home, uninterrupted by technological glitches that come with talking to someone half way across the world. A lifting and encouraging gift.

Got news of some possible matches for some of our kids. A very hopeful gift.

One of the phone calls this week was from a dear friend who is expecting, but not in the way that I "expected"...they are adopting! A very exciting gift.

A trip to the flower market to replace Mikey's dead cactus...how do you kill a cactus? A giving gift.

Another phone call was from a friend telling me that she is coming to visit in February with another friend. I had (jokingly, of course) told her not to call me until she had a ticket to China...well, she has a ticket to China! An unexpected gift.

Got to kiss sweet Max. A memorable gift.

A video from my friends coming in December. A much anticipated gift.

As I sat in my room on Saturday morning and wrote these gifts down in my journal, I was truly overwhelmed by the goodness of my Father. Not only has be abundantly provided the things that I need, but He has graciously continued to give gift after gift. Not because He has to, but because He desires to. This is something that I have really struggled accepting, that He desires to bless His children. Actually, I struggle accepting that He desires to bless me. I know He does bless me, but sometimes I forget that it's because He desires to. By bless I don't mean that health and wealth stuff, because I know following Him often means pain and suffering; it's not always happiness and comfort. But I do mean that no matter "where" we find ourselves, our heavenly Father knows and He loves us enough to give us the things that are best for us. The gifts that are best for us.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

Friday night laundry: footed pajamas

It's Friday night and I am glad to be back in my usual Friday night niche...the laundry room :)

Actually, I am upstairs watching The Office (I found seasons 1-5 in the kitchen, complete with Chinese subtitles) but in between episodes, I am switching loads. The wonderful thing about having 5 washing machines is that I can do a few weeks' worth of laundry all at once; the downside is that the dryer cycle runs for 2 hours, so I forsee getting in quite a few Office episodes this evening. I think I mentioned this in my previous laundry post, but I do love being in our laundry room. One, I love to do laundry; but more so than loving laundry, I love going in there and seeing kids clothing hanging up on lines to dry. I love catching a glimpse at an orange shirt that belongs to Jaelynn, pink pants that belong to Lulu, and a little knit sweater that looks so cute on Joanna. And all those footed pajamas. I love footed pajamas. I love how cuddly kids look in footed pajamas. And as I look at all these clothes, it's not just the clothes that I see, but I am reminded of the faces. I am also reminded of the fact that I get to live with all of these kids; all 140 of them. And I give thanks for doing laundry.

Well, laundry is done and my clean sheets are calling...
Goodnight from this big blue house full of footed pajamas.

Through the eyes of a child

McK, Bec-Bec, and Brady

This summer before I came to China I had the chance to go spend a few weeks with family in Minnesota. Among my family there are two precious little cousins, Brady (age 7) and McKayla (age 6). The first night I was there, as I shared with my cousin and his wife about Maria’s Big House, Jen suggested that I should talk with the kids about where I was going since they were a bit worried about “Bec-Bec” going so far for so long. So the next morning when the kids got up, we sat at the computer and I showed them some videos from the Show Hope blog along with pictures of this big blue house I would be getting to live in. We started, of course, by watching “MBHOH has Beiber Fever” which they loved. Each time a video would end, they would ask for another, and several of the videos they asked to see numerous times. After about an hour, we took a break and decided we would watch more later on in the day. That evening after dinner Brady asked “Bec-Bec, can we watch some more ‘Hope Shows’?” I knew he meant “Show Hope” but I felt as though his name for it was so fitting because yes, they were shows of hope. It was as though they too were getting a glimpse of the hope that is taking place among these four huge walls.

The next day McKayla asked if we could draw and we decided on a picture of MBHOH that I could bring to China with me to put up on my wall. It started with one piece of paper. I drew the house and she colored it blue and drew in the white clouds. After watching a few more videos and seeing a few more pictures, she decided she wanted to add the playground, so we moved on to paper number two. We made sure to get the colors on the slide just right, and added a few of the rocking-horse type toys also found on the playground. Then of course we needed the swing set, so we added page three to our masterpiece (keep in mind that this was also not a one-day project, rather we added to it day by day). On the last day of our “masterpiece” McK decided she wanted to add a pool, so we did. But there was still something missing… the children. So we went back to some videos and thumbed through some pictures in the Miracles 2010 book and she found a few she wanted to add. But for a 6-year-old, the picture of course was not complete without a giant rainbow hovering over the big blue house.

Fast forward a few months…

Last night this four page picture (now hanging in my bedroom) caught my eye. All the children in the picture are smiling. Jessica is going down the slide. Isaac and Jaelynn are in the pool eating ice cream. Judah is riding in a Little Tykes car. As I looked closely at these pictures, I got a little glimpse into what McKayla's 6-year-old eyes saw when she saw pictures of the precious children here at MBH. She didn’t see the wheelchairs, the scars, the disabilities. She saw happy children just like herself; the only true difference between them being their need for a family. She later asked me if I would like to adopt a child from China one day when I get older (she still thinks I am a teenager, haha) and I told her I would; she replied “me too, when I grow up.”

I am not implying that we look at everything through “rose colored glasses,” but what an amazing thing to be able to look at these precious children and not see a disability but a child that God has intricately created who is simply in need of a family, of someone to say “me too.” She didn’t have to think twice about it, rather she realized the need and decided she would want to do something about it when she could.

Funny side note: there was a picture in one of the Miracle books of Isaac as a baby sitting in a chair strapped in with a black seat-belt. I figured the kids would ask why he was buckled in, but instead, Brady excitedly exclaimed “Hey, is Isaac a black-belt in karate?” J

To check out these videos from MBHOH, go to:
http://blog.showhope.org/category/orphancare/marias-big-house-of-hope-orphancare/

The pain of correction

The other morning, one of my kids came to class crying. She had just had casts taken off both of her legs and was wearing corrective shoes. The hope was that after casting and wearing the shoes for a set amount of time, her club feet would be corrected. The shoes were obviously causing her pain and there was nothing I could do to help ease her pain. I wanted to somehow look at her and tell her that even though it was painful, in the end, it would be worth the pain. I wanted to somehow explain to her that there was purpose behind it and something good would come out of her present pain, whether it was the ability to walk or even just wear shoes.

As I sat with her and felt such great sympathy, I wondered if that is how our Father sees us while we are walking through a season of pain. I wonder if He just wants to hold our faces, look straight into our eyes and say “It’s okay child. The pain will be worth the outcome. I am working something beautiful out of this pain.”

Jeremiah 10: 23-24 “I know, Lord, that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our own course. So correct me, Lord, but please be gentle…”

Romans 8:26, 28 “And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness…and we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.”

Proverbs 15:5 “…whoever learns from correction is wise.”

Food for my soul

I am back at Starbucks this afternoon, enjoying one last bit of sweet caffeinated bliss before returning to Luoyang tomorrow.

This morning I had the opportunity to attend an international fellowship here in Beijing with my new friend Kim (a mutual friend through Katie at Show Hope). The fellowship took place at a nearby restaurant and was filled with people from several different countries residing here in Beijing. We don’t have anything like this in the city of Luoyang, so it truly was a refreshing time of corporate worship and studying the Word. One of the songs we sang was a song that came out this summer by Chris Tomlin called “I Will Follow.” I had heard it many times before I left the states.

The chorus says:

Where You go, I’ll go     

Where You stay, I’ll stay                               

 When You move, I’ll move           

I will follow You

Who You love, I’ll love                  

How You serve, I’ll serve             

If this life I lose, I will follow You

It was a song that really encouraged me throughout the summer as I prepared to come to China. It truly spoke the desire of my heart to go where He is, and move when He moves, to love like He loves, and serve like He served. It was a sweet and gentle reminder of my calling here. For me, He is here. I believe He would be found walking the halls of Maria’s holding, loving, and blessing the children. He is among the sweet faces at Maria’s, and when I love and serve them, I am loving and serving Him. I know that He is ever present in all places where His Holy Spirit resides, but for me, this is the place where I have found Him the nearest and clearest.

The text for this morning was out of John 21 where He commands His disciples to feed His sheep. The speaker posed the question, “what does following Him look like?” Does it mean you quit your job, sell everything you have, and move to China? For me, yes, that is what following Him looks like. But that is not what it looks like for everyone. Nor does it mean just because I did sell my things, quit my job and move to China that “I have arrived”…it is a constant, daily, hourly, minute-to-minute following of the One who has called me here. And whether I live in China or the U.S. my purpose is to feed His sheep and to live my life just as He did (1 John 2:6); just as that is the calling of anyone who has committed their lives to following Him, no matter where our physical location is or what our occupation may be. The speaker put it this way, “my life is now borrowed.”

So yes, my “Starbucks fix” has been met this weekend, but ever so much more importantly, my soul has been fed and I have been reminded of what following Him looks like for me; I can’t wait to return and look at the sweet faces of the babies that remind me of looking straight into the face of the One who called me to them.

A taste of home

I am currently in Beijing sitting at a Starbucks. I am on my laptop with this much beloved white cup and green emblem and there are voices around me speaking English intertwined with those speaking Chinese. I have missed this place. I am even considering ordering two or three drinks, just because I can and I didnt have to walk an hour and a half to get here. All is well in my world today.

Someone told me a few weeks ago that getting things done here in China is a bit harder than what we may be used to in the states. For example, getting a cup of coffee, or downloading pictures onto a network, or buying groceries, or having a simple conversation. It's not impossible, it's just harder and it takes more out of you. It is making me a much more grateful person though as I learn that the majority of the world does not live in the comforts and conveniences that we are used to in the West. And this is the first time in a month that I have been out of Maria's and don't feel like I look different and stand out from everyone else around me. For those of you reading, please do not misunderstand me, I am not at all saying I don't want to be here, I absolutely and undoubtedly do, but this has just been one of those weeks where the "hard" things have just seemed more pronounced; physically, mentally, emotionally. Especially emotionally.

There are aspects of life at Maria's that I was very clearly told about before coming, so it has not come as a surprise. But they are also things that I know I could not prepare myself for before coming; I have no point of reference to pull from. There are things I will have to go through here and learn how to process them as I walk through them, trusting that His grace can and will be sufficient to carry me through each one. This was one of those weeks were I was able to get a little feel for "so that's what he was talking about when he said..."

So, this place is doing me some good today. An opportunity to think, to sit, to just be and enjoy something that I know. Something that is familiar as I process through the hard things I am learning.

I came to Beijing this weekend with a few of our nurses who are on break. I wanted to do a "test run" on the train before Laura, Robin, and Leanne all come in December. I didn't want it to be a case of the blind leading the blind, so I figured I would take advantage of getting the experience in and getting away for a couple of days. Here are a few shots from our little adventure...

Waiting on our train in Luoyang

on the sleeper train

Lilly, Heidi, and Krystal

Beijing train station