A few days ago I received an email from a friend asking "How's China?" Little did he know what a loaded question that was. Thankfully for him, we haven't talked in quite a while so I gave him a brief synopsis and left it at that.
My response: crazy.
That's the first word that came to mind and the only one that could truly encompass my feelings at the present time. Not crazy in a bad way necessarily, but in an out of control, unpredictable, frustrating at times, exhausting, but *can* be fun kind of way. There's really no way to describe it, and words don't truly do it justice; you just have to experience it. Some of it (well, most) is due to cultural differences, some is the nature of the work we do.
Last weekend we went camping. Mikey and I had tested out a spot and felt it would be a great place to take the Martin family. It was great; tents, a fire, hot dogs, marshmallows, all the stuff you need for a perfect camp-out. The next day was a bit different. We made it until about noon and then, we were spotted. Within an hour, we were literally surrounded by people and shortly after, they had taken over the space. We decided after a while that they weren't going anywhere, so we started to pack up and headed to a little amusement park they had down the road. We came to the conclusion that we couldn't be stationary for more than 30 seconds without being mobbed (by "we" I really mean Mikey and me; Steve and Laura have an amazing way of handling the crowds' reaction to their blond-haired, blue-eyed children). I share all of that, not to complain or criticize, but just to give an example of what I mean when I tell you that things can be crazy here. It's just the way it is.
Later on in the week, as I was working in the office (which is a shared space with some of our nurses), one of our babies was brought in who was in respiratory distress; they were giving her oxygen and making her as comfortable as possible as she took what they thought might be her last breaths. As I sat there doing some work the hard reality hit me that in the same room was a baby who was taking her last breaths. What do you do with that? I know that we work with very sick children, but I also realize that I shield myself from that very often, because to be honest, I don't know what to do with that. I've never watched anyone take their last breaths, and to watch a baby at just a few months old was almost more than I could take at that moment.
I share that, again, not in a complaining way. I can genuinely say without a doubt that I would not choose to be anywhere else. Yes, it is hard. It is draining. It is frustrating and some days I wonder what difference, if any, I am making or what purpose I have for being here. But then there are those moments, when I walk into a nursery and I hear Jessica calling out "Becca!" and then Fahlin plops down on my lap; or when Milton runs over smiling with arms outstretched and holds my pant legs until I pick him up; when Jillian giggles when I kiss her, and Riley (who used to cry every time I got too close) walks up with a big smile and says "mama"; when I can hear Judah coming down the hall so excited that it's time for preschool. It's those moments that make the difficulty worth it, and it's those moments that I would not trade for anything.
I have realized that in my flesh, I don't have the energy to deal with difficulty very well. I can only take so many stares and so many pictures before I want to scream or tell people to leave us alone. I want so badly to love, but in my flesh, I am irritable and selfish. I have so far to go and know that I am desperate for grace. I can do nothing of worth or value or meaning unless I remain in Him. But how often I forget, and I wander and think that I can do this on my own, just to find myself once again in a place where I realize my desperation.
That's where have been for the past couple of months. I would not be truthful if I said it hasn't been hard. I have difficulty admitting that it's hard, because I genuinely love it here and don't want to be anywhere else, and I think we often assume that when we're in that place, things should be "easy" or "good," but that isn't always the case. In a prideful sense, I also have a difficult time admitting when things are hard because I don't want it to seem as though I can't do it. But, the reality is that I can't do it. At least not alone.
"Remain in Me and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot bear fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in Me. Yes, I am the Vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in Me and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from Me you can do nothing." -Jesus, John 15
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Life in Light
He has Risen
This morning I received a text wishing a Happy Easter and it ended with "He has Risen." As I laid in bed, I thought about this statement. As a believer it is a common phrase to hear, especially during this time of year. But how often do we hear it and continue on without truly pondering the Truth behind it? I know I too often do.
The Truth is He HAS Risen, and if I truly believe that, the way I look at life, people, and circumstances changes drastically. It brings Light to some very dark places, and Hope to some very hopeless situations.
The reality is that we live with some very sick babies here. The reality is that some will die while they are with us. Some will return to an orphanage and we may never know the rest of their stories. But the reality of those circumstances doesn't change the reality that we serve a God who is Alive. Not only is He Alive, He is Active, He is Present, He is Good, and He is Sovereign over all these things; over my life, over your life, and over the lives of each of His children here.
Because He has risen, I can live in Light. I love the reminder that this time of year brings that He brings Light into dark places and makes all things new. This winter has been quite dreary and I feel as though it has reflected the condition of my heart. Thankful that spring is here. Light is here and things are being made new...
This morning I received a text wishing a Happy Easter and it ended with "He has Risen." As I laid in bed, I thought about this statement. As a believer it is a common phrase to hear, especially during this time of year. But how often do we hear it and continue on without truly pondering the Truth behind it? I know I too often do.
The Truth is He HAS Risen, and if I truly believe that, the way I look at life, people, and circumstances changes drastically. It brings Light to some very dark places, and Hope to some very hopeless situations.
The reality is that we live with some very sick babies here. The reality is that some will die while they are with us. Some will return to an orphanage and we may never know the rest of their stories. But the reality of those circumstances doesn't change the reality that we serve a God who is Alive. Not only is He Alive, He is Active, He is Present, He is Good, and He is Sovereign over all these things; over my life, over your life, and over the lives of each of His children here.
Because He has risen, I can live in Light. I love the reminder that this time of year brings that He brings Light into dark places and makes all things new. This winter has been quite dreary and I feel as though it has reflected the condition of my heart. Thankful that spring is here. Light is here and things are being made new...
Friday, April 6, 2012
He knows my name
Do you ever have those moments when things seem so completely out of your hands that you forget that ultimately you were not in control to begin with? I've had several of those over the past few weeks. I don't know that they are necessarily doubting moments, they are just times when I forget that no matter how things look, I have a Father who is still in complete control, over small things and over big things.
We found out last week about some changes that have recently been made to the laws here which greatly alter and restrict the way that we can communicate regarding our children. It has been quite discouraging. In thinking through it and praying through it, God gently reminded me that He is still in control. My initial response was "if we can't speak on their behalf, who will?" But God reminded me that He will. The fact that this has happened does not negate His sovereignty. It doesn't negate the fact that He still cares very deeply and very specifically for each one of our children. They have not gone forgotten by Him, no matter how things may appear by circumstance, and He has a specific plan for each of their lives; whether their lives consist of days, months, or years and whether they are spent in our care, in an orphanage, or in the care of a family.
Another instance was much more personal in that it involved one of my sweet babies. It was a positive thing that happened, but I still found myself asking "what if..." Once again, I was reminded that we share a Father who cares more infinitely for her than I ever could or even imagine to.
This morning, as I played with my kids in preschool, we were listening to a c.d. and the song came on called "He Knows My Name." As I listened to the words and sat there with my babies, I was sweetly reminded once more that they are not forgotten. By many appearances and looking at their circumstances, it would appear that they have been; but as I listened to the words of this song, God reminded me that they have a Maker who formed them exactly the way He wanted them to be and that they are His very own prized possession.
We found out last week about some changes that have recently been made to the laws here which greatly alter and restrict the way that we can communicate regarding our children. It has been quite discouraging. In thinking through it and praying through it, God gently reminded me that He is still in control. My initial response was "if we can't speak on their behalf, who will?" But God reminded me that He will. The fact that this has happened does not negate His sovereignty. It doesn't negate the fact that He still cares very deeply and very specifically for each one of our children. They have not gone forgotten by Him, no matter how things may appear by circumstance, and He has a specific plan for each of their lives; whether their lives consist of days, months, or years and whether they are spent in our care, in an orphanage, or in the care of a family.
Another instance was much more personal in that it involved one of my sweet babies. It was a positive thing that happened, but I still found myself asking "what if..." Once again, I was reminded that we share a Father who cares more infinitely for her than I ever could or even imagine to.
This morning, as I played with my kids in preschool, we were listening to a c.d. and the song came on called "He Knows My Name." As I listened to the words and sat there with my babies, I was sweetly reminded once more that they are not forgotten. By many appearances and looking at their circumstances, it would appear that they have been; but as I listened to the words of this song, God reminded me that they have a Maker who formed them exactly the way He wanted them to be and that they are His very own prized possession.
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
(Tommy Walker)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
My heart and my faith
I have been putting off writing this entry for a while (or any entry for that matter...maybe a touch of writer's block?). I'm not really sure why I've put it off, I think part of it is a desire to do it with just the right words and in just the right timing; another large reason being that I would love to be able to tell many of you myself in a more personal way, but living half-way across the world with such a huge time difference makes phone conversations few and far between.
I will get to the point as to not keep you in suspense, then fill you in on the details... I am sure this will not come as a surpise to many or most, but I have committed to stay here at Maria's Big House of Hope for another year (Yay! Yay! Yay!)
A few months back, my dad posted something on his Facebook page that has really stuck with me. In a link to my blog, he stated that I had "followed my heart and my faith to China." I could not have worded it better myself. It was the desire of my heart to work with orphans as well as my faith in Jesus that brought me here, and both my heart and my faith have been stretched and challenged here in ways I never imagined.
Back at the end of December, about a day after my friend Laura arrived, I got a call from Mikey on his way home to the U.S. asking me if I had thought any more about staying beyond August. He would ask me this periodically, but never needing a direct yes or no. This time though, he explained that there was someone inquiring about the preschool position and that if I was leaning towards leaving in August, that they would like to know so that they could consider this other person. My immediate inner response was "Of course I am not ready to go!" but he wasn't requiring an answer right then and was just giving me a "head's up" that they would need to know sometime in the next month or so. The timing could not have been better in that Laura was there and it was really good to process through that with her. Laura's immediate response was "I don't see you being ready to go anywhere in August." My thoughts exactly, but it was nice hearing it come from someone else's mouth.
A few days later Robin and Leanne arrived. One of Robin's first comments (while still at the airport) was "I've already resigned myself to the fact that you're not coming home in August." At this point, she didn't know that I was in the process of deciding to stay. Having three people that know me well and know my heart affirm what I was already feeling was such a gift. And for them to see it was so meaningful.
At that point, we had set Chinese New Year as the date for me to confirm whether or not I would stay. I didn't need that long at all. It wasn't a day or two before Mikey got back that I was ready to tell him I wanted to stay... so staying is the plan! At this point, it will be through summer 2013, but ultimately, it's as long as the Lord provides for me to be here. I believe that as clearly as He showed me to come (and stay), He will just as clearly show me when it's time to go.
My hesitation in sharing it has by no means been from lack of excitement. I wish I could share this with all of you individually, but doing so might take quite a while, so this will have to do for now.
I read this quote a few weeks ago by a girl serving in Uganda:
I will get to the point as to not keep you in suspense, then fill you in on the details... I am sure this will not come as a surpise to many or most, but I have committed to stay here at Maria's Big House of Hope for another year (Yay! Yay! Yay!)
A few months back, my dad posted something on his Facebook page that has really stuck with me. In a link to my blog, he stated that I had "followed my heart and my faith to China." I could not have worded it better myself. It was the desire of my heart to work with orphans as well as my faith in Jesus that brought me here, and both my heart and my faith have been stretched and challenged here in ways I never imagined.
Back at the end of December, about a day after my friend Laura arrived, I got a call from Mikey on his way home to the U.S. asking me if I had thought any more about staying beyond August. He would ask me this periodically, but never needing a direct yes or no. This time though, he explained that there was someone inquiring about the preschool position and that if I was leaning towards leaving in August, that they would like to know so that they could consider this other person. My immediate inner response was "Of course I am not ready to go!" but he wasn't requiring an answer right then and was just giving me a "head's up" that they would need to know sometime in the next month or so. The timing could not have been better in that Laura was there and it was really good to process through that with her. Laura's immediate response was "I don't see you being ready to go anywhere in August." My thoughts exactly, but it was nice hearing it come from someone else's mouth.
A few days later Robin and Leanne arrived. One of Robin's first comments (while still at the airport) was "I've already resigned myself to the fact that you're not coming home in August." At this point, she didn't know that I was in the process of deciding to stay. Having three people that know me well and know my heart affirm what I was already feeling was such a gift. And for them to see it was so meaningful.
At that point, we had set Chinese New Year as the date for me to confirm whether or not I would stay. I didn't need that long at all. It wasn't a day or two before Mikey got back that I was ready to tell him I wanted to stay... so staying is the plan! At this point, it will be through summer 2013, but ultimately, it's as long as the Lord provides for me to be here. I believe that as clearly as He showed me to come (and stay), He will just as clearly show me when it's time to go.
My hesitation in sharing it has by no means been from lack of excitement. I wish I could share this with all of you individually, but doing so might take quite a while, so this will have to do for now.
I read this quote a few weeks ago by a girl serving in Uganda:
"People from my first home say I'm brave. They tell me I am strong. They pat me on the back and say 'Way to go. Good job.' But the truth is, I am not really very brave; I am not really very strong; and I am not doing anything spectacular. I am simply doing what God has called me to do as a person who follows Him. He said to feed His sheep and He said to care for 'the least of these,' so that's what I'm doing, with the help of a lot of people who make it possible and in the company of those who make my life worth living."
-Katie Davis
That is very much how I feel. I don't feel brave, or strong, or spectacular; in fact, most days I feel selfish that I get to spend my days in the company of these children; they truly do make my life worth living. And I get to do so because God has allowed it and because of the help of many of you, through your prayers and support.
So here's to what's ahead... :)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Thank you, HFC
To my wonderful family at Harvestfield Church- many, many thanks!
Through so many sweet gifts, you have blessed me and our children here at MBHOH. Just to name a few of those gifts...
SLEEPERS- This was a personal favorite and it was so fun to get to personally deliver these to our sweet babies. Here are just a few snapshots...
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KISSES- Thank you for the hundreds of Hershey Kisses you sent for our ayi's Christmas gifts. After a day of baking (Laura was a trooper) we were able to give each of our 250 ayis a gift bag with homemade cookies and Hershey Kisses.
HATS- Thank you, Dianne Davis, for making some warm hats for my preschool kids. They loved them!
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PARTY SUPPLIES- Thank you, Meg Davis, for sending Christmas goodies to decorate for our Christmas party, as well as the cookies and icing for decorating. The Ring Pops were a really big hit!
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Lastly, and most importantly, thank you church family for your support in sending my sweet friends to me this holiday season. It's still hard to believe that they were here in China with me. What a gift to be able to share my "world" with them; my home, my friends, the food, the culture, the sites, and most importantly these sweet babies that I love so very much.
Through so many sweet gifts, you have blessed me and our children here at MBHOH. Just to name a few of those gifts...
SLEEPERS- This was a personal favorite and it was so fun to get to personally deliver these to our sweet babies. Here are just a few snapshots...
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KISSES- Thank you for the hundreds of Hershey Kisses you sent for our ayi's Christmas gifts. After a day of baking (Laura was a trooper) we were able to give each of our 250 ayis a gift bag with homemade cookies and Hershey Kisses.
HATS- Thank you, Dianne Davis, for making some warm hats for my preschool kids. They loved them!
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PARTY SUPPLIES- Thank you, Meg Davis, for sending Christmas goodies to decorate for our Christmas party, as well as the cookies and icing for decorating. The Ring Pops were a really big hit!
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Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Planes, trains, and automobiles...
Let's not forget buses and taxis, and the occasional scooter ride!
The past two months have been a whirlwind, to say the least. Busy, crazy, friends and on-the-go filled months. I am currently sitting at the airport in Hong Kong waiting on a flight to Beijing. I am just here for a few hours...long enough to say I've exited China and am good for 90 more days. I almost feel like I have spent more time on planes, trains, buses and other modes of transportation than in my own room. But it has been good. Busy, but good.
In the busyness of the past few months, I have not done a very good job of keeping up with my blog. So, here's a glance at the past few months in photos of going to and fro...enjoy :)
December...
December also brough three much-welcomed Christmas guests to China!!
January...
The big adventure this month was a weekend trip to Harbin, where they host an ice festival each year. We went in time to celebrate the Chinese New Year. Happy Year of the Dragon!
The past two months have been a whirlwind, to say the least. Busy, crazy, friends and on-the-go filled months. I am currently sitting at the airport in Hong Kong waiting on a flight to Beijing. I am just here for a few hours...long enough to say I've exited China and am good for 90 more days. I almost feel like I have spent more time on planes, trains, buses and other modes of transportation than in my own room. But it has been good. Busy, but good.
In the busyness of the past few months, I have not done a very good job of keeping up with my blog. So, here's a glance at the past few months in photos of going to and fro...enjoy :)
December...
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| In December, I met a new friend who also works in orphan care in a nearby town. She came for the weekend and we took the bus a few hours one day to visit Shaolin Temple, home to Kung Fu. The views from here were pretty amazing. |
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| Pagodas |
December also brough three much-welcomed Christmas guests to China!!
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| After a few days at MBHOH, Laura and I boarded the overnight train Beijing to meet up with Leanne and Robin |
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| Quite cozy and we lucked out and got our own cabin! |
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| Visiting The Great Wall |
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| These views never get old. Amazing. Well, I guess technically they are old, so I guess I should say it doesn't get old to see them :) |
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| What's China without pandas? |
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| And what's Beijing without a trip to Starbucks? I love this picture because it's some of my sweet friends from home meeting some of my new friends in China |
The big adventure this month was a weekend trip to Harbin, where they host an ice festival each year. We went in time to celebrate the Chinese New Year. Happy Year of the Dragon!
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| Meet the sleeper bus |
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| Harbin Tiger Reserve |
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| Snow Park |
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| Ice and Snow Festival |
February brings two more friends to China. They are en-route right now and will arrive tonight. We will do the Beijing sites tomorrow, Great Wall on Friday, then fly to Luoyang Friday night to welcome them to our home sweet home. So excited! :)
It has been really neat to see how God has provided for me this winter in many ways that I didn't even know I needed. One of the things Mikey told me about before I came (well, maybe it was more like "warned" me about) was that the winters in Luoyang have great potential for feeling very lonely and isolating. Thankfully that has not been the case this winter. I am grateful that He has filled what could potentially have been a very difficult time with visits from friends and time spent with new friends here.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The view from here
It's often cloudy. Every now and then we get a glimpse of sunshine, or even a week of sunshine, but for the most part, it's cloudy.
We have a lounge/living room across from my bedroom on the 6th floor. It has huge windows and on a clear day you can get a great view of downtown and the surrounding areas. It's rare, but it's good. This morning as I walked out of my room, the sun was shining so brightly through those windows that it was reflecting in the hall. It caught my attention enough to go take a peek.
As I looked out the window at the clarity, I thought about the fact that this is much like my own mind. My "view" here is different than it's ever been before, and it is good, but more often than not, it is still clouded. On certain days, I get glimpses of clarity, but on most days, it's just clouded. It's clouded by worry, anxiety, fear, selfishness, jealousy...the list goes on.
I have been in a clouded "funk" the past few weeks and although glimpses of clarity come, it's not long before I cloud them out again with an unkind thought or word, or worrying about tomorrow, or today for that matter. As Paul says in Romans, the things you don't want to do, you do, and the things you want to do, you don't; it is sin living in me.
But maybe, just maybe, it is in that cloudiness that we are able to get clarity. If it weren't cloudy, we wouldn't know the clarity. It's in our sin that we see our need to recieve grace. If we didn't see the sin, then we wouldn't see the need for grace.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7: 15-25
We have a lounge/living room across from my bedroom on the 6th floor. It has huge windows and on a clear day you can get a great view of downtown and the surrounding areas. It's rare, but it's good. This morning as I walked out of my room, the sun was shining so brightly through those windows that it was reflecting in the hall. It caught my attention enough to go take a peek.
As I looked out the window at the clarity, I thought about the fact that this is much like my own mind. My "view" here is different than it's ever been before, and it is good, but more often than not, it is still clouded. On certain days, I get glimpses of clarity, but on most days, it's just clouded. It's clouded by worry, anxiety, fear, selfishness, jealousy...the list goes on.
I have been in a clouded "funk" the past few weeks and although glimpses of clarity come, it's not long before I cloud them out again with an unkind thought or word, or worrying about tomorrow, or today for that matter. As Paul says in Romans, the things you don't want to do, you do, and the things you want to do, you don't; it is sin living in me.
But maybe, just maybe, it is in that cloudiness that we are able to get clarity. If it weren't cloudy, we wouldn't know the clarity. It's in our sin that we see our need to recieve grace. If we didn't see the sin, then we wouldn't see the need for grace.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7: 15-25
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